It still hurts, no matter what

It's 00.00 and I can't sleep. I'm awake and thinking about everything. Yeah, at this time -when I can't sleep- I always (over)thinking about everything. Everything. The past, present, and of course, about the future, but mostly about the past. And shit about that. can I erase this bad habit about overthink?!

Suddenly my mind crossed in 2013. 2011-2013 is my crazy and deep down moment for me. I remembered every single moment that I've been through that years. Why does my brain has to remember the things that shouldn't be?

I get up. Trying to refresh my mind. I'm wondering what I should do. Reading my ongoing novel? Nope. My eyes too tired for that. Checking my social media? Maybe, Facebook. But not for Twitter. There's someone I avoid at that site yet I don't wanna deactive it (in case, I need it someday? who knows).

My hand grab my notebook and turn it on. Desktop appears and I double-clicked on Google Chrome and then I type Facebook site down in a new tab. My mind try to do something dirty and it whispers to myself, "How about we check his account?". Sigh. "No more, Satan." I replied it with a bit anger.

I'm trying to prevent the unwanted action with watching some Youtube channel and unfortunately there's no something that interest me. I closed Youtube tab and click the Facebook tab. I'm signing in  and  type his name on my search tab (I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY I'M DOING THIS, REALLY!). Got it and clicked. (Yeah, you can curse me now, go ahead)

I see his details on it. And I click his albums and going back to the 2013. I see him....with her. Crack! I'm smiling when I heard that sound from my heart. So, it's been 2 years, eh? Good for you. And yeah, congrats. I see his more photos again but not long enough. After that, I close the tab. Facebook tab.

I just wondering why. Why.
It still hurts me no matter what. It still give me pain even a little. I just wondering why? Half of me, laughing at me. Laughing at me cause I'm very stupid to do hurt myself now. Laughing at me cause I still have that pain.

Another half of me, just whispering on me, "Are you wondering why you have destiny to met him? Are you wondering why this happened?". I close my eyes and trying to will not let my tears down. It's enough. I know I've said it a thousand times but it's enough. I know I should've known this would be happened if I check it again. I know I should've known that the pain would come no matter what and no matter when. I know I should've known that we shouldn't have met from the very earlier......

We shouldn't have met from that 7 years ago....