How This Overthink Kills Me

Today
I see my phone screen (again, and for the umpteenth time). No messages. I keep thinking that he mad at me. I'm looking that phone screen, well, again. Should I ask him again? Or should not? It makes me freakin' out today. Makes me keep thinking what the hell did I do at the last time we talked, to be exact. I decided to ask him about it for the very last time. Yeah, this is the very last time, I said to myself.

Hey, I just wanna ask you somethin'. Are you mad at me?, I asked on whatsapp.

5 minutes later......no reply.

10 minutes..........same. Okay......maybe you already know the answer, I whispered at myself.

15 minutes. my phone give a whatsapp ring. Is it him? It is.
I'm on the beach, let's talk later.

Sigh. That no expression message again. Honestly I hate no expression message. Not really hate, but it makes me uncomfortable (except if I already know what character the person has). I know that everyone has their own character when they reply messages but he -who so rare to give me no expression message- sent me that message. Is something weird happen or is it just me, who's overthinking? I hope the answer is on the second choice.


The 3 days before today
I typed the message to him.
Got a free time? Let's vid call! :)

He replied.
Ok.

Then, you know what happen. We talked, we laughed and we saw each other. One thing that bothered me is I'm kinda bored on this. I mean, he ignored me many times. I knew that he did another things, but it made me feel....uncomfortable. yea, I'm bored of that thing. I lost my fun while vid-calling and I only starred at him and watched his activities. No talking. He was busy did another thing. Then, he came up with "I have rehearsal about an hour later" and I just said yes. (a bit complaining silently but yea, I can control it).
after an hour later, he finally said "it's the time. gotta go." and again, I just said okay. After he said okay and bye bye, I was instantly signed out on Skype and closed it. I also turned my PC off  and sigh. what was wrong with this?


The day before yesterday
I went home from campus and took a shower. One message appeared on my whatsapp. A friend. I saw our conversation accidentally. I touched it and read that again. I didn't know what thing that brought me up on Skype until I read a chat from him.

"That's not fair, N."

What? What was not fair? I recall the last time I had a conv with him and I thought there was nothing wrong with it. I was confused. What does it mean?
I grabbed my phone and typed a message for asking what happened. and on the Skype, too. I kept thinking what the hell did I do to him. Is it something bad? Is he mad at me?

An hour left. No reply.
Two or three hours left. Same. Wow.
A few hours later. Yeah! He read it. I had a positive thinking that he would reply it.
After a few hours left. No reply. Only read-already message. I began to wonder what happen.



Yesterday
I was worried. Why this thing crossed my mind is because last time I talked to him through Skype, he sent me "that's not fair, N." message. I was confused and was like "what did I do?"
he told me that he would be off to rehearsal and couldn't make it any longer till the next time we talk. and I agreed. I was signed out the Skype and closed it. what's wrong with that? It always makes me think what the hell wrong with it. I sent him a voice note to asked what happen. He replied it in a few hours later and saying "I'm not at home.".
That's it.
Yeah, only that four words.
No expression. I said sorry for that and still thinking what was wrong with him.
Sigh. Ohmy...

This Kind of Mix Feelings

It's hurt and you dont know how it is.
It's hurt and you dont even wanna know how it is.
Ignore me, like you never meet me.
Ignore me, like I'm one of your unimportant things.
I got used to it.
I got used to all the things that you've done.

the most painful thing is not you're ignore me.
but still wanna connected with me is.
the craziest thing is not you do this to me.
but you still do the good things to me is.
the thing that I hate the most is not you.
but our memories are.

Call me mashocist cause I'd like you to hurt myself.
Call me cold-hearted cause I don't have the sense of pain.
Call me stupid cause I still wanna be your side even.
Call me stubborn cause I keep standing and listen nobody.